One of the most explosive domestic violence tragedies in recent years unfolded in Louisiana over the weekend, claiming the lives of eight children and sending shockwaves through the entire community. This horror is part of a staggering pattern of violence we’ve seen in recent months: from the suspicious death of a Black woman in Tanzania shortly after her engagement, to the tragic murder of Dr. Cerina Fairfax in a Fairfax County murder-suicide, and the recent arrest of singer d4vd (David Burke) in connection with the gruesome death of 14-year-old Celeste Rivas Hernandez.
In the aftermath of such devastating loss, we began to wonder: what should folks do if a friend or loved one is battling domestic violence? How can we offer support without causing further harm—or pushing them away when they may need us most? The Root caught up with mental health powerhouse Dr. LaNail R. Plummer, founder of Onyx Therapy Group and author of “The Essential Guide for Counseling Black Women,” and she knows all too well the complex realities of domestic violence and what it truly takes to support survivors. According to the expert, being a supportive friend goes far beyond good intentions—it includes checking your bias, leading with empathy, creating a safe space, and a range of intentional, informed actions that center the survivor’s needs above all else.
Check Your Own Bias At the Door
“It’s most important for the engagement to be made with empathy, because the person who’s in that [abusive] relationship is likely already judging themselves… they’re already contending with their own personal judgment, self worth, frustration, or even confusion with how they got into the situation,” Dr. Plummer told The Root.
“Number two, engage with empathy and understanding,” she explained. “Each person is making a life decision for themselves, and the more we create safety in that friendship, the more likely it is that they’d want to listen and adhere to any resources that we would provide for them.”
Many folks feel they might do things differently if they were in the same situation, or believe they have a particular set of standards that would prevent them from said situation. However, Dr. Plummer warns folks to stop right there, and leave your bias and judgement at the door.
Support Without Judgment
Don’t be the friend who doesn’t care to listen to your friend’s problems because they keep talking about them—especially during instances of mental or physical abuse. Being a listening ear could be the difference between your friend feeling supported, or isolated. And isolation doesn’t just hurt—it can reinforce the abuser’s control and make it even harder for them to leave.
“Throughout the friendship, it’s important to just allow that person to continue to talk, just like we would in any other friendship,” the expert said. “When friends turn their backs on a person who has been victimized, it only amplifies what the perpetrator’s likely saying, which is ‘I’m the only person you have anyway, and so you must endure’ because no one else is there,” she warned.
“It’s quite painful to be a friend, when your friend is in that sort of relationship, and that has to be addressed. But not in the form of judgement. It has to be addressed personally, as we process our biases and think about other resources that are available.”
The Thin Line Between Help and Harm
Domestic violence cases can be so sensitive that one wrong move can produce lifelong consequences, increase immediate danger, or leave the victim in a worse-off predicament. Even well-intended actions—like confronting an abuser directly or pressuring someone to leave before they’re ready—can escalate risk rather than reduce it. According to the mental health expert, treading lightly is key, as forceful intervention may not turn out the way you thought.
Being too forceful: “The most common mistake is that people are forceful, and they react out of fear,” Dr. Plummer said of the friend who’s too quick to react. “Even though their intention is to get them out, the pressure behind it becomes overwhelming for the victim.”
Airing out their business: “They do this with the intention of ‘If it’s three or four of us, we can do an intervention.’ But we have to understand the emotional mindset of the victim, as this can increase embarrassment that may result in avoidance,” Dr. Plummer warned. “That’s when we see victims shut down, move away, or they stop talking to friends. Even though the intentions were pure, the action and outcome can be detrimental to the friendship.”
Avoiding the abuse altogether: “We don’t avoid talking to friends about a toxic work environment, but we avoid talking to them about a toxic relationship, and that’s not fair to them either,” Dr. Plummer said. “Another mistake is we try to pretend the violence isn’t there, and we completely avoid it.
“We need to lean in with more support, less judgement, less questioning, less avoidance, and just engage with them as if they are in a relationship that’s toxic and complicated. Physical violence is an additional element that’s present as well,” the expert added.
Safety Planning Strategies
On the flip side, if your friend who’s in an abusive relationship is ready to leave, helping them secure a safe space, access resources, connect with therapy—and for some, spiritual guidance—can be key to their protection, healing, and ability to move forward. Furthermore, putting space between the victim and aggressor is imperative to allowing heightened emotions to pass, potentially leading to a successful escape.
“Emotions and feelings themselves only last 96 seconds, but a ruminating thought allows those emotions to circulate. The thoughts will start to have intervention as more days are passing by,” the mental health expert said. “In crimes of passion—like what we unfortunately experienced in Louisiana—the trigger and the incident occurred back to back. But if we can get some space between, there’s some additional intervention.”
In addition to alerting authorities when there is immediate danger or a credible threat to safety, Dr. Plummer says a thoughtful safety plan should also include:
Finding a safe place to go: “The first thing to do is to find a safe place to be for a number of days, so the intensity around the perpetrator’s emotions dies down,” Dr. Plummer explained. “Friends are important because they need to create that safe space, even if it’s at a friend of a friend’s house.”
Getting therapy immediately: “When one reaches out for therapy, they can say they are in crisis. Then a company can move a lot quicker than their standard process,” she explained.
Spiritual guidance: “When a person has been in a violent situation, they are shreds of themselves. Sometimes spirituality can weave them back together in knowing they still have a purpose on this earth—and it’s not necessarily to be in that relationship,” the expert concluded.
