Abusive relationships usually start with subtle control, not violence. These early signs are easy to miss until they escalate.
This need for awareness has become more urgent as recent violence against Black women, including the murder-suicide involving Dr. Cerina Fairfax, the killing of Vice Mayor Nancy Metayer Bowen and the death of Pastor Tammy McCollum, has elicited conversations about how abuse is recognized and how warning signs are missed.
Intimate partner violence, or abuse or aggression in a romantic relationship, affects Black women at disproportionately high rates. More than 40 percent of Black women will experience physical violence from a partner, and they are 2.5 times more likely than white women to be murdered by men, according to the Institute for Women’s Policy Research.
To address this important issue and help readers recognize early abuse and find a path to safety, The Root spoke with Saran Myers-Martin, a gender-based violence prevention consultant, about warning signs and safer next steps.
Abuse Starts Subtly
“Abuse doesn’t start with bruises,” Myers-Martin said. Escalation is often slow and methodical, and in some cases, it doesn’t become physical. It can begin with a partner saying, “I want to know where you are at all times because I worry about you.”
What may sound like concern can be manipulation.
When Control Turns Dangerous
At its core, abuse is about control. It includes emotional, verbal, financial, sexual or physical abuse. It can harm children even if they aren’t direct targets. “Children see more than you think,” Myers-Martin added, noting their psychological trauma.
Controlling behavior can include discouraging a partner from working, “love bombing,” or isolating a loved one. The risk often increases when someone tries to leave, which Myers-Martin said is “the most dangerous time.” She noted that “violence can escalate when the abuser senses a loss of control.” That’s why leaving is often a process that requires careful planning.
Why Abuse Is Hard to Spot
Abuse can be difficult to identify because it unfolds gradually. Attention can become control, financial support can become dependency, and positive memories can mask the trauma. Immigration status can also be weaponized, with abusers using threats of deportation or withholding documentation. Shame, fear and self-blame can make it harder to name what is happening. As Myers-Martin put it, “You look up, and you’re like, how did my relationship start to look like this?”
For some Black survivors, that confusion is compounded by distrust of the systems that are supposed to help, like law enforcement. Cultural messages such as “what happens in the house, stays in the house” can make it harder to speak up or ask for help.
Recognizing Abuse: Next Steps
If things start to feel wrong, safety planning matters. Myers-Martin suggests making a plan that fits your situation before leaving, if you can. This could mean collecting your ID and important papers, saving some money if it’s safe, and packing a bag with essentials.
Digital safety matters, too. Shared phone plans, location tracking and devices like AirTags can be used for surveillance after separation. In some cases, survivors may need a new phone or additional steps to reduce the risk of being tracked.
Getting Help and Support
If someone is trying to leave, or simply considering their options, Myers-Martin said help can start with one safe point of contact: a trusted friend or family member, a local domestic violence shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and can connect survivors with resources in their area.
For people who have been isolated, even a doctor’s appointment can offer a rare opening. Myers-Martin noted that medical providers often speak with patients alone and may screen for domestic violence, creating a private chance to disclose abuse and ask for help.
She also pointed to trauma-informed therapy and survivor support groups as places where people can begin to heal and plan what comes next. Therapy, she said, can help survivors recognize that an abuser’s behavior “has nothing to do with you.” Even if that person later insists “they’ve changed,” she added, “that’s for the next person, not you.”
For people trying to figure a way out, Myers-Martin offered a simple reminder: “There is light at the end of the tunnel.”
