The strong friend often wears resiliency like a badge of honor. Dependability is part of their identity and crisis control is their specialty. But constantly being the caretaker comes at a cost.
As Mental Health Awareness Month continues, The Root interviewed therapist Tasha Turner-Freeman, LPC, exploring how strength can turn into strain. These tips for how people can begin caring for themselves with the same compassion they give others are gold.
The Warning Signs Often Show Up Physically
You can psyche yourself out all you want to, but your body will tell on you. Turner-Freeman explained that your body is often the first messenger of burnout. Signs include constant exhaustion, never feeling rested despite sleeping, relying on numbing distractions like doom-scrolling, changes in eating habits, and missing important appointments.
Emotional signs often follow. That may look like avoiding calls and texts, feeling overwhelmed by small things, or having a much shorter fuse at home than at work. “You have these really big reactions to small situations because you’re past your capacity,” Turner-Freeman said.
Being Needed Can Become Its Own Burden
For Black Americans, caregiving is often deeply cultural. “We heal in community, we function in community, we support one another,” Turner-Freeman explained. But when “pouring into others” happens without rest or reciprocity, expressions of love can turn into burdens.
Strong friends often fear disappointing others. But Turner-Freeman said, “We expect the community to be more disappointed in our inability to provide caregiving than they actually are.” She explained that this fear can prevent people from creating space for support in return.
Saying No Does Not Mean You Don’t Care
Turner-Freeman emphasized that boundaries are not abandonment. “Me saying no doesn’t mean that I won’t say yes later. It just means no right now.”
Communicating limits doesn’t mean you lack love; it means you’re being honest about your capacity in the moment.
Pay Attention to One-Sided Relationships
“Energy vampires” are people who repeatedly require support without recognizing the imbalance. Turner-Freeman noted these people are usually not malicious, just unaware. “To be clear is to be kind,” she shared.
If you’re unsure what to say, Turner-Freeman suggests: “I’m noticing the last three times you called me is because you needed something. I would love to hear from you just because.” Honesty can help redirect relationships that have turned into crisis management.
Resilience Includes Recovery
“Resilience” is woven into the fabric of Black America, but Turner-Freeman encourages people to stop framing it as a synonym for survival. True resilience, she shared, is “the ability to withstand, adapt and recover,” according to the World Health Organization.
That last part—recovery—is often lost. “I adapt to the situation. I code-switch. I do what I have to do to make it,” she said, describing the survival mindset. But healing requires intentionally making space for rest and recovery instead of treating endurance as strength.
Make Self-Care Intentional
Allowing yourself to be needy or imperfect is not failure. Turner-Freeman calls it a “radical” and intentional act of self-love. If we don’t, we just continue to perpetuate these same cycles that help us to survive, but not necessarily thrive,” Turner-Freeman said.
Start With Rest and a Daily Check-in
Turner-Freeman encouraged treating rest as non-negotiable and regularly asking, “What do I truly have capacity for today?”
That practice requires letting go of perfectionism. As she put it, “perfection is a lie,” and growth is rarely linear. Caring for yourself can start with manageable steps and permission to do what you can.
Expand What Support Looks Like
Turner-Freeman challenged people to think beyond comforting phrases like “it’s okay to not be okay” and instead create real space for honesty. She uses the analogy of a rubber band ball: when one band snaps, the others help hold the structure together—a reminder that community should support us not just when we’re strong, but especially when we’re strained.
If your immediate circle feels small, broaden your definition of support to include church, coworkers, or small daily interactions that build connection over time.
