Is It Gay to Have a Birthday? Social Media Trend Exposes Toxic Black Masculinity

There was once upon a time when a Black man’s masculinity was measured by traits such as integrity, responsibility, and how they treated the people around them. Somewhere along the way, in a dark a corner of the internet, some have decided masculinity should be instead be measured by whether you’re willing to buy your homeboy a birthday cake.

A now-viral clip has stirred up some serious conversation across Black Twitter, and the accompanying comments highlight just how exhausting some of these self-imposed rules around “masculinity” have become toxic. In the clip, a man calls several of his friends and asks a simple question: What would they do if he gave them a birthday cake?

The responses quickly reveal just how narrow some men’s definitions of masculinity have become, and even some of your favorite celebrities have jumped into the conversation.

“That’s gay,” one of the man’s friends immediately responds in the clip. Another friend the man asks sounds genuinely concerned, asking if he is trying to “wine and dine” him. Then a third takes the conversation even further, declaring that having a birthday party in the first place is “gay.”

The exchange is funny on the surface, but it’s also part of a much larger online conversation in which some straight Black men have convinced themselves that the most mundane acts of kindness, emotional expression or even hygiene somehow threaten their masculinity.

Celebrities battling toxic masculinity?

In 2022, singer Eric Benét found himself creating a public service announcement on TikTok explaining how men should properly wash their backsides. Anticipating the inevitable backlash, Benét included a disclaimer for homophobic viewers, reminding them that thoroughly cleaning themselves does not make them gay.

He even broke down the steps in the process, telling men to use “a washcloth, soap, and water.” 

While it may sound absurd, the video tapped into the idea that some men are uncomfortable touching certain parts of their own bodies out of fear that it might compromise their heterosexuality. At that point, we’re no longer talking about sexuality. We’re legit talking about hygiene.

Unfortunately, the list of forbidden activities has only continued to grow. Last year, TikTok users participated in a viral trend where they called their male friends simply to tell them goodnight. The reactions ranged from confusion to complete disbelief.

One TikTok user’s friend laughed before declaring, “N****s don’t say goodnight to each other.”

Others immediately questioned why they were receiving the call at all, while some simply just ended the call.

Joining in on the trend, radio personality Big Boy called rapper Xzibit and wished him a good night. The rapper initially laughed and sounded visibly confused before eventually returning the sentiment himself. The interaction was wholesome, but it also highlighted how unusual simple expressions of care have become among some men.

The argument over what is considered masculine and what isn’t has even bled into body language. During a live taping of Bald Brothers featuring comedians Tony Baker and KevOnStage, an audience member was asked to name an unwritten Black commandment he was tired of following. 

Without hesitation, he answered that sometimes he simply wants to put his hands on his hips but feels like he can’t because, as he put it, “straight n****s can’t put they hands on they hips.”

The two comedians erupted in laughter, but let’s think about that for a second.

How queer men are winning the masculinity argument

Meanwhile, social media recently found itself admiring a viral clip of a gay man casually greeting and dapping up other attractive Black men at a Pride event. 

Many users joked about how clean-cut, moisturized, and well-groomed the men appeared. 

The comments quickly turned into a broader conversation about how queer men often allow themselves freedoms that some straight men deny themselves out of fear of appearing too soft, too expressive or, worst of all, “gay.”

That’s the irony in all of this. Queer men often face very real discrimination, scrutiny and judgment for living openly. Yet many have already made peace with existing authentically. They buy gifts for friends, celebrate birthdays, and maintain their skincare routines. They allow themselves to express affection and even say goodnight.

It’s to the point where a drink a straight man may enjoy is questioned. Just ask our colleague Lawrence Ware, who recently penned a piece about Black men who drink white wine.

“It is never just a sip,” Ware writes. “It is a presentation.” According to Ware, suddenly words like “crisp” and “notes” start appearing in casual conversation and an ordinary drink order transforms into what he jokingly describes as “a one-man show called Refinement.”

The essay is intentionally comedic, but it highlights something deeper – Black men are constantly subjected to arbitrary expectations about what they should and shouldn’t do.

At a certain point, masculinity starts sounding less like confidence and more like an endless list of arbitrary rules nobody agreed to but everybody feels pressured to enforce.

At some point, the question isn’t whether these activities are gay. It’s why so many men are afraid of simply being human.